Our Scotland - www.our-scotland.org

Stevie · Independentist Joined: 22 Nov 2008 Posts: 1179

Thought it might be fun to have a bad joke thread : no prejudiced stuff!

Have fun, add you own jokes.

Who knows, someone might have a good one.

Demon

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon :

Demon : Why so glum, chum?

Guy : What do you think? I’m in hell.

Demon : Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin’ man?

Guy : Sure, I love to drink.

Demon : Well, you’re gonna love Monday then. On Mondays , that’s all we do is drink. Whisky, tequila, Guiness, wine coolers, vodka... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy : Gee, that sounds great.

Demon : You a smoker?

Guy : You better believe it.

Demon : Alright! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it’s okay... you’re already dead.

Guy : No kidding!

Demon : I bet you like to gamble.

Guy : Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Demon : Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.

Guy : Hmmm, I never played pai gow before.

Demon : Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

Guy : Yes, I love drugs. You don’t mean?

Demon : That’s right ! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it’s okay... you’re already dead.

Guy : Yeah! I never realised hell was such a swingin’ place.

Demon : You gay?

Guy : Uh, no.

Demon : Oooh (grimaces), you’re gonna hate Fridays.

_________________
Every man dies, not every man really lives.

Alba gu bràth!

magister ludi · Gaining a Reputation Joined: 13 Dec 2008 Posts: 225

nice one, bravehand.
when i first heard that joke the demon was the colonel of the Scots Guards, the place was his office and the guy was a junior officer newly posted.
all of which reminded me of a subsequent adventure of the same new officer:

it was a regimental tradition that new boys had to undergo an initiation which was to take place before an assembled company of officers and men.
all this was explained to the new boy, along with a description of the tasks of fortitude, strength and endurance he was expected to perform.

"Three field tents will be erected in the barracks parade ground. You will be expected to procede to the first tent where you will complete the first task allotted, only on completion of the task will you be allowed to procede to the second tent where another task awaits. on competion of the second task you should move smartly and in good order to the third and final tent, complete the trial awaiting you and thereafter present yourself to the colonel."

"In the first tent you will find a crystal glass and silver stoppered decanter containing an imperial pint of 20year old cask strength malt. Your task is to drink the whisky."

"In the 2nd tent you wll find a lion. The lion has severe toothache. Your task is to administer pain relief to the unfortunate beast."

"In the 3rd tent you will find 3 virgins. Your task is to satifsy each."

The new boy sets off and enters the first tent.

For 15 minutes there is silence, then some singing, which becomes progressively louder and less distinct as time passes. After an hour he emerges from the tent. Flushed and unsteady on his feet he weaves towards the second tent. After only a few minutes there is loud roar, then shouting and screaming....more angry roaring and more shouting and screaming. He appears from under the side of the tent, bloodied and uniform torn. He stands up and attempts to dust himself down then shouts, with the slurred syllables of inebriation " Ok then, so where are they virgins with toothache?"

Stevie · Independentist Joined: 22 Nov 2008 Posts: 1179

Made me laugh. Not easy to make me even smile, I live in France...
_________________
Every man dies, not every man really lives.

Alba gu bràth!

Stevie · Independentist Joined: 22 Nov 2008 Posts: 1179

I'm sure someone will go on about stereotyping Scots... just read and laugh!

Two Scots, a father and his son, are on their way to America.

- Daddy, when will we arrive?
- Shut up and swim.

- Why do Scots watch porn films from the end to the beginning?
- Because they like a happy ending, when the prostitute gives the money back to the client.

A Scot came back from work earlier than usual and saw a plumber's car in the front of his house.
- Oh my God, I hope it is her lover.
_________________
Every man dies, not every man really lives.

Alba gu bràth!

magister ludi · Gaining a Reputation Joined: 13 Dec 2008 Posts: 225

Question: what goes in, out, in, out and smells of urine?

magister ludi · Gaining a Reputation Joined: 13 Dec 2008 Posts: 225

Answer: Grannie doing the hokey cokey

Stevie · Independentist Joined: 22 Nov 2008 Posts: 1179

10 /10 ML

Here's a 2 / 10

Satan vists the church
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

_________________
Every man dies, not every man really lives.

Alba gu bràth!

Stevie · Independentist Joined: 22 Nov 2008 Posts: 1179

How many... ?

How many penguins does it take to screw a lightbulb in ?

One less than it takes to screw a donkey.

Yep, 1 / 10

But I've been working on, 'How many penguins does it take to change a lightbulb? joke for ages and can't get a funny punchline, so... screw it.
_________________
Every man dies, not every man really lives.

Alba gu bràth!

Reluctant Hero · Posted: Thu Jul 30, 2009 7:25 pm Post subject:

How do you make gold soup?
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Add twenty-four carrots
_________________
Visit the Our Scotland Blog at http://our-scotland.blogspot.com/

Stevie · Independentist Joined: 22 Nov 2008 Posts: 1179

THIS YEAR'S EDINBURGH FESTIVAL JOKES :

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a t**t.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
A: The ultrasound people.
David O'Doherty at the Gilded Balloon

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.
Scott Capurro at the Pleasance

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

Walking down Princes Street, soaking up the atmosphere, I saw a big sign that said: "Bus tours, ten quid." So I thought I'd give it a try... What a rip off. Ten quid to have a look round a bus!
Seymour Mace at Café Royal

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
Norman Lovett at The Stand

Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not religious, but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person." What this phrase really means is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be arsed going to church."
Colin Ramone at The Stand

AND THE WINNING JOKE WAS :

Dan Antopolski

Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?

kevin04 · Standing in a Council Ward Joined: 06 Mar 2007 Posts: 462

I heard a really bad joke today from a friend, (Sun Reader) so says it all.

What's the alternative name for 5th gear in an Italian Tank?

Reverse Confused

Stevie · Independentist Joined: 22 Nov 2008 Posts: 1179

I think I'm going to cry.
_________________
Every man dies, not every man really lives.

Alba gu bràth!

Stevie · Independentist Joined: 22 Nov 2008 Posts: 1179

These aren't just bad, they're truly awful.

The University of Hertfordshire recently concluded a research project to find the best jokes in the world. Here they are :

Best Joke in the world

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
Second Place

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Top joke in USA

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Top joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Top joke in Australia

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
Top joke in Belgium

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks

Top joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

Top joke in UK

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

Top Joke in England

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

Top Joke in Wales

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

Top Joke in Northern Ireland

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

Also Rans [i][/i]

Texan: “Where are you from?”
Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

Two fish in a tank.
One turns to the other and says “Do you know how to drive this?

A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”.

The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”

Ouchity ouchy ouch... some of them bring a tear to the eye but the dog and the fish are funny.

The Scotland joke was not funny... so here's a Billy Connolly joke.

Instructor addressing a troop of suicide bombers.

Now, pay attention, I'm only going to show you this once.
_________________
Every man dies, not every man really lives.

Alba gu bràth!

Reluctant Hero · Posted: Sat Sep 26, 2009 8:01 pm Post subject:

Which budgie should you think about buying in a recession?

The one that is going "cheap"!
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Stevie · Independentist Joined: 22 Nov 2008 Posts: 1179

I apologise in advance for the following 'jokes'...

Why don't ducks carry spare change? They all have "bills".

What does an agnostic dyslexic do when experiencing insomnia? ANSWER: Sit up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

Why did the one handed man cross the road?? ANSWER: cause the second hand store was across the street.

Why do people wear perfume and cologne to church? ANSWER: Because they sit on pews.

Why do cowboys ride horses? ANSWER: Because they are too heavy to carry.

What do you call onions and beans? ANSWER: Tear gas.

I'm truly very sorry...
_________________
Every man dies, not every man really lives.

Alba gu bràth!

Rinty · Posted: Sat Oct 10, 2009 5:37 pm Post subject:

a cat hijacks a plane and says "take me to the canaries"

Stevie · Independentist Joined: 22 Nov 2008 Posts: 1179

A patient said to a psychiatrist, "I keep wanting to cover myself in gold paint."

The psychiatrist said, "Sounds like you have a gilt complex."

Why couldn't the chicken fly through the window?

It was closed.

The chicken one is almost funny...
_________________
Every man dies, not every man really lives.

Alba gu bràth!

Stevie · Independentist Joined: 22 Nov 2008 Posts: 1179

QUITE LIKE THIS ONE :

Jesus is watching you...

A burglar breaks into a house at night. As he quietly creeps across the floor he suddenly hears a voice, "Jesus is watching you!".

He stops dead still and listens, but he doesn't hear anything.

He shines his flashlight around the room and he doesn't see anyone.

He takes another step. Again he hears "You better be careful, Jesus is watching you!"

Again he stops and remains still. Nothing. He takes another step..

"Oh ho, you're in trouble now. Jesus is watching you!"

He shines his flashlight around the room again. This time in the upper corner of the room he sees a parrot on a perch. The parrot says, "I told you to be careful, Jesus is watching you!"

He goes up to the parrot and shines his light in its face.

"Who are you?", he asks.

"Fishbowl" the parrot replies.

"What fool would name their parrot fishbowl?" he asks the parrot.

"The same fool that named his killer rottweiler Jesus" the parrot answers.
_________________
Every man dies, not every man really lives.

Alba gu bràth!

Stevie · Independentist Joined: 22 Nov 2008 Posts: 1179

There were 2 brothers in a small town both were always in trouble in 1 form or another At their wits end the parents decided they should see the local preacher who lived across the stree from them

A couple days later the younger of the 2 boys went to visit the pastor He was escorted into the pastors' study by his wife

The Pastor who sitting in a big chair at a desk whirled pointed an accusatory finger in the boys face and asked "Where is God?"
The boy was startled but again the pastor said in a much louder tone "Where is God"

The Panicked young man begin to tremble as once again the pastor bellowed Where is God????

The young lad quickly exited the home and ran to his own and went straight up to his room and locked the door

The Older boy who was about to go meet with the minister knocked on his brothers' door and asked what was the matter

The kid said We got trouble? What do you mean, his brother asked? We got big trouble the boy said again What the problem said the older boy?

The little unlocked the door and looked at his brother and said
"Gods' missing and they think we had something to do with it!!!
_________________
Every man dies, not every man really lives.

Alba gu bràth!

Lord Pitsligo · Posted: Sun Nov 15, 2009 8:49 pm Post subject:

_________________
Caledonia's been everything I've ever had...

Possibly the funniest site in the world, 'The Daily Mail' - http://www.dailymail.co.uk

If it wasn't for my avatar, you wouldn't be reading this...