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Stevie · Independentist Joined: 22 Nov 2008 Posts: 1179

Hi folks, it might be fun to have an Off beat / Odd News thread.

One can't guarantee that the articles are all true but one should try and not submit junk pretending to be real stories.

Feel free to comment.

local football player gets knocked on the head and becomes gay
July 19th, 2009

by Milton Fricks

Miles Johnson, 18, of Gurley AL, was playing Quarterback when he was knocked flat by an opposing player for the Hilltown Hogs.

He was knocked out for 30 minutes and he was unable to complete the game. When he woke up he was suddenly gay.

“I got knocked on the head real hard. When I woke up I noticed the paramedic standing over me was real pretty. So I kissed him. ” He said, “It ain’t no temporary thing, either. I’m real gay now. I want to have sex with men.”

Doctors believe he can be cured of his homosexuality.

Coach Richard Albertson is very upset. “He’s our best player.” He said, “Now I gots to kick him off the team. We can’t have no homo in the locker room. I just pray to God that he will be better by Homecoming.”

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Lord Pitsligo · Posted: Thu Jul 23, 2009 8:56 pm Post subject:

Cure him?!? WTF is wrong with these people?
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Possibly the funniest site in the world, 'The Daily Mail' - http://www.dailymail.co.uk

If it wasn't for my avatar, you wouldn't be reading this...

Stevie · Independentist Joined: 22 Nov 2008 Posts: 1179

Well, I don't think there is a cure.

And if one asks our gay friends if there were a cure would they actually want it? I think not.

I found this article on weird news (other articles from this site have been reliable) but it begins to look like a joke.
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Stevie · Independentist Joined: 22 Nov 2008 Posts: 1179

Family axes wedding plans, Egyptian cuts off organ

By SARAH EL DEEB
CAIRO (AP) — A 25-year-old Egyptian man cut off his own penis to spite his family after he was refused permission to marry a girl from a lower class family, police reported Sunday.

After unsuccessfully petitioning his father for two years to marry the girl, the man heated up a knife and sliced off his reproductive organ, said a police official.

The young man came from a prominent family in the southern Egyptian province of Qena, one of Egypt's poorest and most conservative areas that is also home to the famed ancient Egyptian ruins of Luxor.

The man was rushed to the hospital but doctors were unable to reattach the severed member, the official added citing the police report filed after the incident.

The official, who spoke on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to speak with the press, added that the man was still recovering in the hospital.

Traditionally, marriages in these conservative part of southern Egypt are between similar social classes and often within the same extended families — and are rarely for love.

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/...gD98HFSUG0
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Every man dies, not every man really lives.

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Stevie · Independentist Joined: 22 Nov 2008 Posts: 1179

I'm telling you, I'll cut it off.

I dare you.

I'm not kidding, I'm going to cut it off.

I double dare you.

I'm serious.

(makes puck puck chicken noises)

I warned you.

(puck puck puck, whilst doing a Mick Jagger chicken impression)

Alright then... aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! Oh s**t. Is it too late to sew it back on? What are you doing?!?!! Give it back. Come back here with it. When I catch you, I'm goanna cut yours off, you b*****d!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALWAYS THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU CUT YOUR OFF OWN PENIS.
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Every man dies, not every man really lives.

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Stevie · Independentist Joined: 22 Nov 2008 Posts: 1179

Texas death row inmate tears out own eye, eats it
Fri Jan 9, 2009 4:07pm EST

DALLAS (Reuters) - A death row inmate in Texas tore out his eyeball with his fingers and ate it, leaving him blind after he gouged out his other eye several years ago, the state's department of criminal justice said on Friday.

"We don't know how it happened," said Jason Clark, a spokesman for the department. "There are no indications that he used anything other than his hands."

Andre Thomas, 25, was now in a secure psychiatric facility after he pulled out his left eye last month at the death row unit in Livingston in eastern Texas, Clark said.

Thomas was condemned for killing his wife, son and infant stepdaughter in 2004, according to the department's brief account of the case. Local media reports said he had ripped out the hearts of his victims.

Thomas was on death row since March 2005 but did not have an execution date. There are 373 inmates on death row in Texas, the Washington-based Death Penalty Information Center says.

(Reporting by Ed Stoddard, editing by John O'Callaghan)
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Every man dies, not every man really lives.

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Stevie · Independentist Joined: 22 Nov 2008 Posts: 1179

Giant Plant Eats Rodents
Aug 20, 10:35 am ET

A giant plant that can gobble up bugs and even rodents has been discovered in Southeast Asia.

The carnivorous plant (nepenthes attenboroughii) was found by researchers atop Mt. Victoria, a remote mountain in Palawan, Philippines. The research team, led by Stewart McPherson of Red Fern Natural History Productions, had learned of the plant in 2000 after a group of Christian missionaries stumbled upon it while trekking up a remote mountain and reported it to a local newspaper.

The discovery, announced last week, was detailed in the Botanical Journal of the Linnean Society.

The pitcher plant is the world's second largest and can grow to more than 4 feet tall, with a pitcher-shaped structure filled with liquid. The plant secretes nectar around its mouth to lure rats, insects and other prey into its trap. Once an animal has fallen in, enzymes and acids in the fluid break down the carcass of the drowned victim.

"All carnivorous plants have evolved to catch insects but the biggest ones, such as this one, can eat rats and frogs," McPherson told LiveScience. "It's truly remarkable that a plant this big has been undiscovered for so long."

The world's largest pitcher plant (nepenthes rajah) was discovered in 1858 by British naturalist Hugh Low in Borneo. The plant's rat-eating habit was confirmed four years later when his colleague Spenser St. John found a drowned rat inside one of the specimens.

Though some have approached McPherson to ask about the likelihood of cultivating the monster plants as mouse traps for rodent-infested regions like New York City, the botanist (who also happens to specialize in pitcher plants) says he finds the idea "a bit far-fetched."

"Mice and rats are attracted to the sweet nectar of the plant, but it only catches them occasionally," says McPherson. "It just isn't practical. There will be too many mice for the plant to catch anyways."

_________________
Every man dies, not every man really lives.

Alba gu bràth!

Stevie · Independentist Joined: 22 Nov 2008 Posts: 1179

Actually, were one to replace politicians with pot plants, would that be a bad thing?

I suspect we would have more fair minded and far more sensible policies.

We could have blue plants and red plants and any other required colours representing the various political persuasions.

Politics would certainly smell and look better and the only irritating noise would be the occasional sound of a petal dropping gently to the floor.

Bribery and corruption would be a thing of the past, their only requirement being a gardener to water them once a day, an occasional dose of plant food, a new pot from time to time and background classical music (Mozart seems to be quite the floral Top of the Pops).

A much less expensive and infinitely more agreable system of government would then ensue. I think the place would smell better especially around spring time. This does of course raise issues of cross fertilisation across the aisle. Whether this would constitute sex and thus an orgy remains in question and would certainly be a bit icky. Some however, might argue it's better them f*****g each other than us... an argument with a great deal of merit.

OR we can keep the present group of self serving greedy geriatric rodent eaters currently in power.

VOTE PLANT!
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Every man dies, not every man really lives.

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Reluctant Hero · Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 8:29 pm Post subject:

....and they would no doubt legalise their favourite drugs - pot!
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Stevie · Independentist Joined: 22 Nov 2008 Posts: 1179

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siMqaTlbpco

Aspray

Well, if you know anyone with a malodorous bottom then this is the advertisement for them.
_________________
Every man dies, not every man really lives.

Alba gu bràth!

Stevie · Independentist Joined: 22 Nov 2008 Posts: 1179

OAPS DECIDE NOT TO GIVE PENSIONER-PC A CHANCE
12-11-09

PENSIONERS have declared that they don't like a new PC designed for them, despite it not being released yet.

'If you want to do things with computers the last thing you need is a computer.'
Easy-PC is a new computer offering simplified functions designed to make it easier for senior citizens to complain about Pakistanis.

But despite the manufacturers bending over backwards, pensioners have decided collectively that they don't like it, never will like it, and if anyone tries to give them one for Christmas they will throw it straight in the bin with all the other rubbish, which is exactly where it belongs.

Dennis Fynch-Hatton, 83, said: "I hate it. The people who make this tripe, whatever it is, should be taken out in the street and shot, and their bodies left to be picked clean by rooks.

"I've never owned a computer, but if I had, then the one I had before would definitely have been better than this one, and whatever the old one had been like, that'd be what I'd want."

He added: "If anyone comes near me with one of these computers I shall disengage my colostomy bag and squirt its contents all over them with a loud 'tally-ho'. Computers? What did you say? Leave me alone."

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, said: "During the war, I had ever such a lovely PC. It was made of good strong Hampshire Bakelite - by white people - and it had pedals.

"You don't get better than that, and if any strange man or relative tries to give me one of these Easy-PCs I shall shout 'rape' and do everything I can to ruin their lives.'

A spokesperson for Easy-PC said: "We're starting to wish we hadn't f***ing bothered."

THE DAILY MASH
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Every man dies, not every man really lives.

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landg · Posted: Thu Nov 12, 2009 9:12 pm Post subject:

Stevie · Independentist Joined: 22 Nov 2008 Posts: 1179

I took a look. Very interesting.

Thanks for that.
_________________
Every man dies, not every man really lives.

Alba gu bràth!

Stevie · Independentist Joined: 22 Nov 2008 Posts: 1179

UGLINESS BECOMES SOURCE OF NATIONAL PRIDE
13-11-09

GORDON Brown has encouraged Britain to become even more physically revolting after a study showed the UK leads the world in gap-toothed, c**k-eyed repugnance.

If only there was a Nobel Prize for it
The Institute for Studies found the British were the most outwardly troll-like nation, while at the other end of the league table the entire population of Norway could probably do porn if they wanted to.

Institute director, Professor Henry Brubaker, said: 'You know when you go on holiday abroad and everyone looks amazingly beautiful, and you think maybe it's just because the sun's out and you've had a big drink with an umbrella in at 11am? It's not. We are rank."

Gordon Brown, welcomed the report insisting that while Britain may have the biggest budget deficit in the developed world and public services that would shame the Republic of Chad, there was still no-one better at scaring a horse.

He said: "It takes a special sort of integrity to proudly inhabit the murky end of the attractiveness spectrum between John Merrick and Sarah Jessica Parker.

"I myself look like a corpulent old Action Man who's melted slightly after being left in front of a radiator, and yet the wonderfully non-judgemental British people voted for me. Actually they didn't, did they? But still, y'know."

He added: "In these challenging times, the people of Britain can take solace in looking exactly as you'd expect the denizens of a small dark muddy island with a tiny gene puddle to look."

Government grants are now being awarded to encourage the moderately ugly to maximise their capacity for Jonathan King-ness .

Tom Booker, an unsightly man from Swindon, was one of the first to qualify. He said: "I'm having my already bulbous and wide-set eyes moved even further apart so that my eyeballs actually sit in my ears, while my hairline will be lowered to just below my nose. Give us a kiss."

THE DAILY MASH

Yes, I know that's two in a row but these guys are really witty.
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Every man dies, not every man really lives.

Alba gu bràth!

Stevie · Independentist Joined: 22 Nov 2008 Posts: 1179

Carrie Prejean has apparently made a 'solo' porn video(a while back before she was almost crowned Miss USA and that horrible little man Perez Hilton took it away from her).

I say art for art's sake.
_________________
Every man dies, not every man really lives.

Alba gu bràth!

Stevie · Independentist Joined: 22 Nov 2008 Posts: 1179

PROSTITUTION TO REPLACE BURSARIES
16-11-09

THE government is to replace the current system of student loans and bursaries with £300-an-hour, high-class whoring.

'Give the money to the girl'
From next April students will be allowed to sell their sweet ass for the duration of their degree course, while post-graduates will be able to advertise their private parts in the Times Higher Education Supplement.

Outlining measures to be included in his pre-budget report, chancellor Alistair Darling said: "Applying for loans and grants is time-consuming and bureaucratic, whereas letting some stressed-out businessman take you up the Gary for 20 minutes isn't.

"We are more than happy for young people to self finance their studies with a few hours a week of red hot genital action, as long as they don't try and do it anonymously in a bid to avoid paying tax and national insurance."

Nathan Muir, 17, from Stevenage, said: "I'm hoping to go to Brunel next year to do aeronautical engineering. The fees are £3400, or about 63 blow jobs with a soggy ending."

He added: "Actually, if you've got time I'll let you steamboat me into the middle of next week for £500 and a used copy of The Fundamentals of Astrodynamics by Roger Bate."

Mr Darling said allowing students to tart their junk for cash will save the public purse £4 billion a year, while the exchequer will also be boosted by a 10% commission on each sexual transaction.

Mr Darling added: "This does not mean I'm a pimp. That said, them B*****s better have my money or they be getting slapped upside the head."

Meanwhile Dr Nikki Hollis, a micro-biologist at Reading University, said: "I ran out of money when I was doing my PhD. I got a job at Costa Coffee."

THE DAILY MASH
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Every man dies, not every man really lives.

Alba gu bràth!

Stevie · Independentist Joined: 22 Nov 2008 Posts: 1179

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/21/20091...ise-to-combat-binges-6323e80.html

Apparently, exercising to combat the effects of a night of binge drinking is pointless according to a study (that no doubt cost a fortune and if they'd just asked me then I could have told them that anyway).

Still, a more mature perspective comes from THE DAILY MASH (who have given me permission to use as much as I want of their material).

I think these guys are funny :

DRINKERS ABANDON EXERCISE FOR SOME MORE DRINKING
27-11-09

RESEARCH showing that exercise cannot combat the effects of excessive alcohol has caused thousands of drinkers to decide not to bother.

A***holes

The Institute for Studies said an hour in the gym after an evening's drinking was largely pointless, although it can massively increase the feeling that you are about to have a heart attack.

Meanwhile experts also discovered an increased requirement for alcohol among those gym members who accidentally catch a glimpse of their own pale, scrawny-yet-flabby frames clad in drooping, wash-grey sportswear.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: "I know explaining basic anatomy to the common brood is like trying to explain my income tax returns to the cat, but here goes.

"Your muscles and your internal organs are two different things and exercising one to try and help the other is like servicing your car to get your lawnmower working. DO YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?"

The news looks set to close hundreds of gyms across the country with Britain's biggest pub chains eager to convert them into sports bars with big-screen televisions where fat men can watch thin men participating in events sponsored by drinks companies.

Gym member and schnapps enthusiast Tom Booker said: "I'm currently paying £40 a month to some bronzed Scottish t*** so that I can feel like a bag of shyt twice a week.

"Meanwhile schnapps costs £6.70 a litre from Asda, makes me feel groovy and doesn't hurt my legs. Now I'm no mathematician, which, come to think of it, is probably a good idea as I am going to be drinking an awful lot more schnapps."

THE DAILY MASH.

_________________
Every man dies, not every man really lives.

Alba gu bràth!