Gerry's Middle East Visit

Congal · Gerry's Middle East Visit

Bunker Wisdom: no man is an island but
Palestine might be.

Newton's optic

In which Newton Emerson sees the New
Gerryusalem

'Are you calling us black?''
A frosty silence settled over the Yasser Arafat
Memorial Conference Bunker,deep beneath the
sacred soil of Ramallah. Gerry Adams knew at
once he had caused grave offence.

''What I mean when I said that Israel needs to
find its de Klerk is........''

''You are calling us black!'' President Mahmoud
Abbas shouted. ''Typical! You British are so arrogant.
We did not invite you here to insult the Palestinian
people.''

''I mean no disrespect,'' Adams replied.''I simply meant
that we are all 'black' in solidarity with the oppressed.

Another silence briefly ensued.

''Are you talking about Dafur?'' Prime Minister Ismail
Haniya asked.
''Because if you are Mr Adams,you should know that Sudan
is only bombing those villages to secure peace for its
Arab population.''

The meeting was becoming side-tracked

''Enough President Abbas cried. ''Mr de Klerk has been
here several times,so clearly he does not think we are black.
But the reason you are here Mr Adams is to talk about
the one-state solution?''

''Don't you mean the two-state solution?'' Adams asked.

''Are you calling us stupid now as well?'' Abbas thundered.

''It is the Zionists who want a two-state solution. We want
a one-state solution like you have promised for Ireland
by 2016. So tell us, how do we achieve Jewish withdrawal
and a united Palestine within 10 years?'

Now it was Mr Adam's turn to fall silent. The
internationalisation agenda wasn't going to plan at all.
Martin was just back from Sri Lanka in a terrible rage
after the Tamil Tigers told him they wanted to partition off
the northeast of the island and form a Union with India.
Now Hamas was getting the wrong end of the stick as well.
Why couldn't they just let him be their black brother in struggle?

''Every conflict resolution situation is different.'' Adams responded,
finally. ''Conflict resolution?'' Information Minister Yousef Rizqa
said. ''Ill show you what I think of your 'conflict resolution'!''

He began to unbutton his shirt. Adams looked on aghast.
What hideous Israeli torture scar or shrapnel wound was the
minister about to expose?

''IRA-Undefeated Army,'' Rizqa yelled revealing an
all-too-familar T shirt. ''I bought it on ebay for $19.95. Look
Mr Adams - you have signed it yourself.

''This is getting us nowhere,'' Foreign Affairs Minister
Dr Mahmoud al-Zahar interrupted. ''We must establish
the indivisible integrity of Palestine,including the
occupied territories. Mr Adams what do you suggest?''

The Sinn Fein President-for-Life stroked his beard in
contemplation. He was of course,the greatest political
mind of modern times. But could he really solve the
problems of the Middle-East in an afternoon?
Then suddenly he had it.

''Gentlemen,your supporters have dug many tunnels,''
he declared. ''Now they must dig a canal - from the coast of
Gaza to the Dead Sea,along the River Jordan and back
to the coast at Haifa.''

''But how will that make us a nation once again?'' Dr
al-Zahar asked mystified.

''By making you an island!'' Adams exclaimed.
''Everyone knows that an island must always be governed
as a single political unit.''

It was a master stroke,yet the legislative council seemed
strangely unimpressed.

''I see,I see Dr al-Zahar said at last. ''Tell us, Mr Adams -
is that what Martin Mc Guinness told the Tamil Tigers?''

Aventinian

Newton Emerson is a fantastic writer. I used to regularly follow the Portadown News when it was still about. Very witty.

Congal