horoscopes

carol · horoscopes

for some strange reason I get daily horoscopes through my mobile Shocked

does anyone actually read them and believe them?

today's one:

You're likely to go off and flirt, to be with people who are going to be more electric and exciting. You want that rather electrical quality around Shocked

Do you think that's why I'm on our-scotland Very Happy

Is my soul mate BA Shocked

carol

just discovered through googling that I may be getting charged 50p a text Twisted Evil

Blackadder

Carol ... you were born under the sign of the Camel. This means you get the hump quite easily over the most trivial of things. You also like humping and being humped ... which explains the many husbands and tribe of children. You can go for long periods without water ... but can get very ugly if alcohol is not given to you regularly and in large amounts. You also like large desserts ... which is where you will be found but this is often a little trifle to you. That would account for the weight problem. You are most likely to consort with arabs throughout your life. This also will be apparent to others. You will most likely also plod through life, but your great strength lies in the fact that in a race you will beat a horse and can sustain yourself longer. It's not your fault that your appearance is abhorrent to others, but content yourself with the fact that you are a kind beast providing a good home for thousands of fleas and other ticks!

Reluctant Hero · Re: horoscopes

macnumpty

My horoscopes tend to be vague. Though I once had to process a purchase order which told me to 'KILL'... Confused

Blackadder

RH ... don't get stupid on Carol's account. She can do fine without your help!

You were obviously born under the sign of the Donkey. You are mulish in your behaviour, with your big ears flapping to catch gossip, though not always accurate; are know to be a nay-sayer; need a bit of a goading to get started, and once you do, you follow a set-down course (like a stick and carrot) ... and continue to make an ass of yourself!

I'm looking into yours later, Macnumpty. Watch this space ........

carol

thanks for the character assassination BA Twisted Evil

Blackadder

mairead

Just think about it. There are millions and millions of people on this planet and only twelve star signs so if these were accurate and you won the fortune the horoscope said was coming your way, or met your soul mate etc, there would be millions and millions of millionaires that day. Na, I don't believe in horoscopes but I do believe in co-incidence.

carol

nice to read them but nope I don't believe in them either

Blackadder

A cursory investigation of the true Art of Horoscopes ... and not the rubbish that get's printed in daily newspapers ... will show that there IS something to it.

Of course, the 12 star signs don't cover everyone. they're just handy devices to cover the fact that it is a form of mathematics that are being applied to the mass of beings that populate the Universe. We used to use base 12 and not ten, so that was the starting point to the Chaldeans or whoever started it all. Of course there's far more to it than that. The 12 names cover other subdivisions and the movement of the universe around us. So many other factors are involved.

Does Astrology work? Yes, it appears to. Not as a forecaster of the future for the individual, but as a guide to the basic archetypes that we are all part of ... and as a way of noticing trends and shifts as our population increases and moves around. Much like Hari Seldon's Psychohistory in Asimov's Foundation series.

We all recognise ourselves in the general reading of our houses ... because psychologically, some intelligent people in the far past recognised the need that we'd have for some kind of "security blanket" as we go through our lives. Thus Astrology was born.

The Tarot works on a similar principle ... and some day, we'll have the scientific know-how to understand the physics of the "Occult".

mairead

Very Interesting BA. As to Tarot cards, I once had a sitting with a young lady who did these, and to my utter astonishment, she saw in the cards my second husband, described him to a tee and told me all about where he worked, and that was just after he had come to work for me for a short time, and I didn't even know him hardly at all.

Blackadder

I used to read palms. Not that I knew anything about it. I just needed to make a few bucks when I got myself lost in the Mongolian Highlands in my youth. I knew just enough to make it sound real. I made several hundred tögrög and bought my way through to India with it! Very Happy

Celtic Indian

You know its all nonsense don't you.Because of something called the Precession of the equinoxes !

mairead

A bit like these chain emails which now come through with a lovely wee story attached and telling you to pass them on to seven friends for good luck. Thankfully though not asking for money. I guess I'm in for some bad luck though, cos I just delete them.

carol

I ditch the chain ones, occasionally had the odd chain email although not for a while, they're ignored as well.

Blackadder

Yes, I know about the Precession of the Equinoxes. It doesn't alter the fact that the Zodiac (appropriated by Astronomy) is not about actual stars ... of which many that you see in the sky are probably extinct centuries ago but the light from them is only just reaching us.

Astrology deals with "cosmic forces" that use the stars and Zodiac as symbols od representation.

Anyone know an astrologer who could clear it all up?

Celtic Indian is influenced by the sign of The Empty Bucket. And as you know ... empty vessels tend to make the loudest noise!!! Very Happy

You should tell people who send you chain email to desist! I've told averyone I know, that if get even one ... the dogs will be sent to their address!

Celtic Indian

So.Do these "cosmic forces" only influence humans or all life ?

Blackadder

Define "life"!

Celtic Indian

mairead

Did you hear the one about the guy who was warned by a spey wifie that he was going to have a terrible accident next day.
The guy got into such a state he decided not to go to work but stay safely in bed for that day.
During the next morning while he was lying in bed, the ceiling collapsed in on him.

Moral. If it's for you, it will happen.

Blackadder

There's much more to it than that Celtic Injun ... go look it up, then get back to me!

Celtic Indian

Blackadder

Both. But you need to define "life". Just because it can procreate is not enough.

"Life" has to meet with certain criteria, before it is acceptable as life ... and therefore open to outside influences.

What? Don't you watch Star Trek??

mairead

and just who lays down the criteria.?

Blackadder

Science defines life quite adequately if you would care to GO LOOK!!

Look up Biological Imperative and other associated links!

I ain't doing it for you!

Evil or Very Mad

mairead

Yeah Yeah Yeah.

Blackadder

Take the hint then! Evil or Very Mad

mairead

. Hey you've confused me with Baldrick there Sir.

Blackadder

No confusion. You just needed a hefty kick in the right direction. Very Happy

Celtic Indian

OK Puffadder ! Cool

I have looked up what your definition of "life" is.Now can you answer me my original question,which was....

carol

Puffadder

Does anyone believe our life is mapped out for us?

If it is could someone please redraw mine Very Happy

Blackadder

CI ... you have not provided the definition of "life" as requested. Nor did I ever say "my definition of life". Don't try and obfuscate the issue. Once you give us YOUR definition of "life" ... I'll be quite happy to supply an answer. Very Happy

And a puffadder is a snake. In fact "Bitis arietans" is a venomous viper species found in savannah and grasslands from Morocco and western Arabia throughout Africa except for the Sahara and rain forest regions. Its wide distribution, common occurrence, large size, potent venom, and willingness to bite make it responsible for more fatalities than any other African snake. Two subspecies are currently recognized.

I, on the other hand, am a human being ... and your obvious superior! Now pay attention and get to work! Twisted Evil

mairead

I think the choices which we make in life determine our own paths.

Blackadder

You're absolutely right in many respects, Mairead. But things are never that simplistic.

carol

Blackadder

Carol ... you should have chosen not to murder three ex-husbands. Otherwise you wouldn't be where you are now!

And nobody ever claimed that your life is "mapped out in the stars"! You can forget that little fallacy! Evil or Very Mad

Celtic Indian

Blackadder

Are you serious?

That's it? Something that reproduces? Shocked

Well, if you don't understand the question and come up with nonsense like that, you certainly won't understand the answers!

Come back and ask me again when you've decided to learn some more, so that I can be sure you have even just a little chance of understanding! Evil or Very Mad

Celtic Indian

Blackadder

Don't just say you understand it when I ask you to define "life". I need you to show me and other posters that you DO understand ... otherwise I'm wasting my time.

Just post up what you've learned ... because reproduction of the species is just a small part of "life"! We need to know you know. Thank you. Very Happy

mairead

Och wid ye stoap rabbitin oan about the definition o' life. It means wan is alive an' kicking (Inside or ootside the uterus)

Blackadder

And you're another who needs to swot up!!! Evil or Very Mad

Celtic Indian

Stop avoiding the question Puffadder !!

Blackadder

Damn monkeys!!! Evil or Very Mad

Here is one of the accepted definitions of life:

Living things are systems that tend to respond to changes in their environment, and inside themselves, in such a way as to promote their own continuation.

Life (a living individual) is defined as a network of inferior negative feedbacks (regulatory mechanisms) subordinated to a superior positive feedback (potential of expansion, reproduction)

Life is a characteristic of self-organizing, self-recycling systems consisting of populations of replicators that are capable of mutation, around most of which homeostatic, metabolizing organisms evolve.

Type of organization of matter producing various interacting forms of variable complexity, whose main property is to replicate almost perfectly by using matter and energy available in their environment to which they may adapt. In this definition "almost perfectly" relates to mutations happening during replication of organisms that may have adaptive benefits.

Life is a potentially self-perpetuating open system of linked organic reactions, catalyzed simultaneously and almost isothermally by complex chemicals (enzymes) that are themselves produced by the open system.

Now, I know this is a bit of a stretch for some of you ... but do you have even the least bit of an idea of what was just posted there? Be honest now! Twisted Evil

Can anyone come up with another definition? I promise I'll address Crazy Injun's concerns when we're all on the same page! Twisted Evil

Celtic Indian

Thats exactly what I said.Summit that reproduces !

FFS ! Evil or Very Mad

Now that we've esthablish what life is,is it possible to answer this question ?

Blackadder

There are many ways to define life. This is another one.

The broadest scientific definition might be that life is what enables plants and animals to consume food, drive energy from it, grow, adapt themselves to their surroundings and vice versa, and reproduce.

Note that reproduction is only a part of the whole!

However ... you keep missing the point I'm making, Crazy Injun.

The greatest minds on the planet throughout history have all struggled to define life by many means. Yet you manage to bring it all down to the simplistic drivel I expect from peasants ... and you think you're right.

But I'll give you your answer because I just can't keep you in suspense any longer.

Blackadder

Here is your answer, Crazy Injun.

INERTIA!

Enjoy! Twisted Evil

Celtic Indian

Blackadder

Crazy Injun ...

Celtic Indian

Blackadder

Crazy Injun ... Nikola Tesla wrote in 1920 ...

"How Cosmic Forces Shape Our Destinies"

Every living being is an engine geared to the wheelwork of the universe.
Though seemingly affected only by its immediate surrounding, the sphere of external influence extends to infinite distance. There is no constellation or nebula, no sun or planet, in all the depths of limitless space, no passing wanderer of the starry heavens, that does not exercise some control over its destiny.
More than this can be said. There is no thing endowed with life—from man, who is enslaving the elements, to the humblest creature—in all this world that does not sway it in turn. Whenever action is born from force, though it be infinitesimal, the cosmic balance is upset and universal motion result.

Herbert Spencer has interpreted life as a continuous adjustment to the environment, a definition of this inconceivably complex manifestation quite in accord with advanced scientific thought, but, perhaps, not broad enough to express our present views. With each step forward in the investigation of its laws and mysteries our conceptions of nature and its phases have been gaining in depth and breadth.
In the early stages of intellectual development man was conscious of but a small part of the macrocosm. He knew nothing of the wonders of the microscopic world, of the molecules composing it, of the atoms making up the molecules and of the dwindlingly small world of electrons within the atoms. To him life was synonymous with voluntary motion and action. A plant did not suggest to him what it does to us—that it lives and feels, fights for its existence, that it suffers and enjoys. Not only have we found this to be true, but we have ascertained that even matter called inorganic, believed to be dead, responds to irritants and gives unmistakable evidence of the presence of a living principle within.
Thus, everything that exists, organic or inorganic, animated or inert, is susceptible to stimulus from the outside. There is no gap between, no break of continuity, no special and distinguishing vital agent. The same law governs all matter, all the universe is alive. The momentous question of Spencer, "What is it that causes inorganic matter to run into organic forms!" has been answered. It is the sun's heat and light. Wherever they are there is life. Only in the boundless wastes of interstellar space, in the eternal darkness and cold, is animation suspended, and, possibly, at the temperature of absolute zero all matter may die.

mairead

Drone, Drone Drone, B-o-r-i-n-g

Blackadder

Today's forecasts

Aries: (March 21--April 19)
You are not actually an Aries but think it's cool to read everyone's horoscope... you nosy cow.

Taurus: (April. 20--May 20)
Despite your trying for the last forty years, your mother will still never forgive you for the vase you broke at age 3.

Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
You really DO want to be a millionaire, but it will never happen and no-one cares.

Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
Read the name of your sign again slowly, then break into tears.

Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22)
A lost item of yours will remain lost until you find it. But you won't.

Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
Shocked

Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
If you round down, you don't have enough time left to justify an entire horoscope.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
If you do nothing else this week, remember at least the melody to "Feelings." For God's sake, sing it with me now: "Feelings, nothing more that feelings, etc."

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
No-one loves you and you should consider suicide as a viable option.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
You will continue breathing at least one more week, even if we DO have to use every life-support technique we know.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 1 Cool

You actually aren't the stupidest person alive! But if Celtic Injun were to die ...

Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
If you were born in February, go read the horoscope for Aquarius today. Otherwise, you were born in March! Good for you.

carol

Virgo ????? be nice Wink

Blackadder

carol

your stars said nowt

Blackadder

You gone blind??

carol

Blackadder

carol

You're denying us Virgos a reading Shocked

Blackadder

*sighs* For the last time ... that WAS your reading! Evil or Very Mad

carol

I'll just wish for a better one Wink

Blackadder

No good ... it was for yesterday! Very Happy

Blackadder

Today's forecasts

Aries: (March 21--April 19)
You will go on a bender after thinking you've won the lottery. But you haven't!

Taurus: (April. 20--May 20)
A car will figure in your life in a big way today. Jump to the left!

Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
For those going on holiday this week ... Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
You will realise today that you are probably gay ... and face a life of loneliness because you are so ugly!

Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22)
Practice! Practice! Practice! The three-legged race is yours to win.

Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
For those who got married recently, don't plan anything long-term together.

Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
Yes, your bum does look big in whatever you wear. Go on a diet, you fat git!

Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
Time you looked into funeral plans. Do not invest in a new five-year diary.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
Love comes your way this week. Luckily, they won't charge you much because of the STD you'll be getting.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
You will be in trouble with law this week. The police will think you are Gary Glitter.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18 )
Defenestration should have a definite appeal for you on Saturday.

Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
You will discover something you didn't know about your father. Be prepared to make new friends.

Blackadder

This month's horoscopes was provide by Master Po, a resident of Hong Kong where I have business interests. Due to his problems with mastering English, I have somewhat tidied it up for you. Master Po is one of the great mystics of this time, and if anything ... his horoscopes are highly regarded ...

Aries: (March 21--April 19)
You are the pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and scornful of advice. You do nothing but piss off everyone you come into contact with. You are a weasel!!!

Taurus: (April. 20--May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and stickability to the way you do things, even though you never do anything right the first time. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-
headed. However, you are nothing but a f*cking a**hole!

Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap b*st*rd. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest!

Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems, which makes you a sucker. You always keep putting things off. This why you will always be on benefits and not worth a sh*t. Everybody in prison is a Cancer!

Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Everyone else thinks you are an idiot. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and can't tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo's are thieving motherf*ckers and and enjoy masturbating more than sex.

Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your sh*t-picking attitude is sickening to your co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while f*cking. Virgo's make good bus-drivers and pimps!

Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are probably a queer or a pervert. Chances for employment and monetary gain are NIL. Most Libra women are whores. All Libra's die of venereal disease.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
The worst of the lot! You are shrewd in business but cannot be trusted. You could achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of morals or ethics. You are the perfect sonofab*tch! Most Scorpio's
are murdered.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck, since you have no talents whatsoever. The majority of Sagittarius' were hopeless drunks. Nixon was a Sagitarrius. You are indeed a worthless piece of sh*t.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
You are extremely conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chicken-sh*t. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance, except in their own minds. You need to kill yourself.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18 )
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive, but you lie a great deal. Plus you make the same mistakes repeatedly, This is due to the fact that you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a f*cking jerk. You enjoy sucking c*ck.

Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CID, MI5 or even the SAS. You have a very minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting what you mistake as power. You lack confidence and you are, in a general way ... a complete f*ckwit!

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