Blackadder
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How very dare you!It seems I must apologise for my extended absence from these boards. Or so I am informed by one of your number who tracked me down, and managed to avoid the bear-pit on the estate! Don't worry ... there's a few new traps been set to catch you ignoble louts, if you ever dare to step foot on the ancestral grounds again. Consider this fair warning! The dogs have been replaced with half-starved wolves.
Oh very well then ... if I must! I have been under the not so tender ministrations of my cousin, Doctor Blackadder of Canada in Nova Scotia ... aptly named, since it as windswept, uninteresting and as dull as our homeland under a Tory government ... and his staff of barely trained illegal Romanian immigrant apes for some time now, after I fell very ill again.
Yes, you nearly lost me, you undeserving peasants! Be glad I am recovering and am once again in charge of my affairs ... and stopped my halfwit children from taking over.
The title and estate would have passed on to my eldest son, Edmund Cedric, Viscount of Ecclefechan and Lord Dunsapie in his own right. Not that I've ever met the boy, thank God! An absolute moron by all accounts, who's shacked up with a some unaccountable slut in a godforsaken place called Cathcart, where they have some very dodgy politicians. But I am slowly recovering and will try to be involved again soon, although in a very limited fashion, because I can only stomach any of you for short periods of time! What, you want to make me ill again? My second son, Edmund Cecil, Baron Tynecastle (a title that idiot Foulkes will never gain no matter how much he offers!) thinks I'm going to die and let him be the next Lord Blackadder, bypassing his older sibling ... but he has little chance of that. Baldrick has been salting his porridge with 3 grains of arsenic a day for a very long time now. His demise will preceed mine by years!
So how have you all been ... not that I remotely care for any of you, you understand ... I ask purely out of my good breeding and respect for the form of manners. Feel free to grunt your thanks that I have even deigned to address you. All getting along with each other? Enjoying your humdrum boring little lives and all that knees-up frivolity, you lower orders appear to like? My mother would have had you all shot and fed to the pigs! Which would be a shame, because they're used to better obviously ... not that I'm going to read any of the postings I've missed in my absence. Good Lord, no! I would require a brain-transplant from an English idiot for that!
Anyway, I'm done for now. My sleep requires my presence. Goodnight. I'll be in touch soon I suppose! 
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mairead
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Nice to see you haven't changed any M'lud. What have you done with Baldrick then.
That asides, sincerely glad you are feeling better these days.
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Blackadder
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Baldrick is out feeding the wolves with a couple of orphans I acquired from some place called Darafur or some such name. How would I know? I only sign the cheques! Not that it's any of your business, peasant!
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mairead
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'Peasant????? I think you forget to whom you are addressing these comments Sir.
Coming from a long line of Aristocrats which is much older than the Blackadder line, I shall consider your comment as ignorant and pass it off with the contempt which it merits.
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Blackadder
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"Older" (disputable) is not necessarily "better". As far as I'm concerned, you're all far below me in rank and status. It pleases me to give you a healthy kick while you're down there too! You come across as a prole, so you may as well stick with them.
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Blackadder
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News on the runaway immigrant worker front ... they were caught in Bolton last night! They were identified because Baldrick (on his own initiative) had them branded with the sign of a turnip.
They will be returned to me as of next Tuesday ... but Baldrick will be charged with illegal body mutilation and the infringements of Human Rights.
I have to get him a lawyer, but not my family one. Does anyone know of a cheap lawyer I can hire? Winning the case isn't all that important, so it's not a prerequisite!
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mairead
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Glad you got your 'staff' back safely. As to solicitors, well there really is any number of shyster lawyers out there for you to choose from so even you can surely look up the yellow pages.  ,
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Blackadder
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Yellow pages?? How primitive.
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carol
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A cheap lawyer  what's one of them?
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Blackadder
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Yours!
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carol
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I wish!
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Blackadder
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We know!
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carol
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BA if you can add up, a divorce is more costly than a marriage
If there's a cheap lawyer then he/she has passed me by!
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Blackadder
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Divorce? Why bother ... just never marry.
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carol
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maybe I should've thought of that after No 3 
I keep thinking I'm daft to organise a 4th one 
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Blackadder
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Depends. If he's rich, go for it! And keep a bag of mushrooms handy for the fatal stew!
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carol
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I'm surprised he's not keeled over with my cooking already!
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Blackadder
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Why? You've done for three already. What's to stop you having another hus ... victim? Exhumations?
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carol
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 I'm not the Black Widow!
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Blackadder
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Only because you've gotten away with it so far .......
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carol
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not one of them is pushing up daisies
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Blackadder
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And how do we know that? Got proof?
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carol
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well the first and second ones are still around, haven't seen the first for years so you never know .............
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Blackadder
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I see. So not the mushrooms ... you went for the brain damage via the heavy skillet?
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mairead
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Now Now, BA,
there are more ways to kill a cat than strangle it, they can be choked to death with cream, hypothetically speaking mind you, I've never tried it myself.
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Blackadder
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Ahh ... the old "cream" trick, eh? May Ginger Baker forgive you!
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mairead
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Indeed. I hope to be forgiven for much I'm afraid. LOL
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Blackadder
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Sounds interesting. I'm sure you have a litany of sins to confess to. I'll ask my third cousin, Father Edmund if he'll hear your confession, if you like. He doesn't charge as much as the Archbishop!
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mairead
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No Ta. I'll just live with my sins. Like most of my upper class associates, I was raised NEVER to confess anything to anyone.
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Blackadder
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Same here. One of the Blackadder family mottos is, "HE did it!" with the armorial bearings of a finger pointing at a figure running away in the distance! This can be roughly translated as "It Wisnae Me!" a guid auld Scots expression I favour!
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mairead
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Aye, not only a 'guid auld' expression but a very commonly used one at that.
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Blackadder
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I knew that! Though mostly in peasant towns I fear!
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mairead
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You Jest of course. I thought that was the Blackadder family motto. You must be of good peasant stock then
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Blackadder
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No ... but apparently, the cook in my great-granddad's day was known to use peasant in in the soup stock. No wonder my great-grandad was called "a fine broth of a boy"!
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mairead
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Chuckles for that one. LOL
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Blackadder
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Aye .... they kent how tae live in the Auld Days!
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mairead
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Yep, there was much about the 'Bad old days' that was indeed good.
Children were children then, and not the little cut down adults of today, and we knew when to hold our tongues too.
Those were the days when respect was taught by parents, rich or poor, and when neighbours knew what it meant to be a neighbour.
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Blackadder
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My nephew is staying at his sister's house tonight. That's so he can get drunk (he's 15) without his parents knowledge. Not to worry though ... I shopped him!
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mairead
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So, your sister encourages children to drink does she, you should shop her as well.
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Blackadder
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Consider it done! But she's NOT my sister!
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mairead
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Lucky for her.
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Blackadder
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I wrote:
"My nephew is staying at HIS sister's house tonight."
In other words ... my neice.
Has your eyesight or your intelligence gone? You decide!!!
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mairead
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Neither. Just a slight error in typing dear.
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Blackadder
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No it wasn't! You made a mistake ... admit it ... and I might go easier on you from here on in!
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mairead
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Go as hard as you like. You still won't have much effect on me. I merely amuse myself with you.
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Blackadder
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And you're easily amused, aren't you? See? Doesn't take much with some people!
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mairead
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Actually yes, I am easily amused. I try hard to see the funny side of life, even when it isn't really that funny. Laughter is a great tonic and I love to laugh.
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Blackadder
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Snap!!! 
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mairead
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Geez Blackadder, we agreed on something. LOL One of us must be getting past it.
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Blackadder
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Well, it ain't me, so it must be YOU!!!
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mairead
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Oh I think we are both up on that platform.
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Blackadder
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In which case ... I'm on the lowest end and you're up in the clouds!
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mairead
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Well I KNOW that. That Blackadders were always much lower down the aristocratic scale than your lot.
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Blackadder
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Not THAT platform! The senility one ... on which you are many levels above me.
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mairead
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Oh BA, I am above you on all levels of everything dear.
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Blackadder
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No ... only the one, cheese for brains! The senility one!
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mairead
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As you are so determined to make me out to be witless and brainless, I'll just go along with you and make your day. How about that. more happiness for you then.
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Blackadder
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Works for me!
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mairead
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Easy pleased then are'nt you.
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Blackadder
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Actually no! My mother always thought I was 'difficult' ... and Dad said I was downright 'impossible'. Typical Blackadder. I guess I'm somewhere in between the two.
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mairead
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Oh well, I guess you can't have everything then.
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Blackadder
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In your case .... that's SO true!
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