The Doctor is IN ....

Blackadder · The Doctor is IN ....

Hello, Dr Blackadder here. If you have any problems that can't be helped on the Dear Aunty McNumpty thread .... then you're in the right place .... at last!! Took you long enough didn't it?

I'm here to evaluate and advise you on all your medical and psychological needs. As a healer I will do my utmost to help you poor devils out (exorcisms cost extra!).

I am fully qualified, having trained at and been fully certified by the Harbard School of Medicine in Oxford, Messachusetts, USA and I took the Hypocritic Oath all medical practitioners must take.

This advice will be free (unless you require private care and you better be rich to afford that) and it is up to you whether you heed it or not. If you don't .... hell mend you .... cos I won't.

Having said all that ....... surgery hours are now open!!! Please enter and consult Doctor Blackadder.

mairead

Blackadder, I think some urgent self analysis is overdue on your part.

Blackadder

Madam, I'll have you know I am a member in good standing of;
Scottish
Care
Aid and
Medicine.

Are you seeking a consultation?? If not, you could be taking up someone else's space!

And remember, broken appointments are not good unless you have a good reason. Well, a reason I'm persuaded to accept.

Next!

Babygael

Ach Doc, ave come here tae tell yer that ma Dug ate all th' pills that ye prescribed fer me th' last time ah wis here,an' Doc , the wee bampot has produced a fine litter o' pups!

Ah can tell yew, ahv hud a heck o' a time trying tae keep th' wee lassie fram scaling ma gairden fence ond diggin' her way oot! Ma floors were all shot tae hell an back ah can tell yew!

What th' heck wis in those pills ah askit? Shocked

SOOOOOOO happy ah didnae tak a few masel' ! Shocked

Then ah realised yew gave me pills meant fer auld Missus Flora MacBarren........fer a momment there, yer had me worried Doc!!

Onyroad Doc, ah wrote tae Aunty Macnumpty, who telt me tae tak th' pups aroond tae yer hoose. So ah went but yer wasnae in, so ah left them oan yer bed, asleep finally!! Wink

Hope ye dinnae mind?

Ach, ah ment tae ask, wis that a Persian rug ye hev there? Weel th' wee wans, twelve in all, left a few puddles and mony a 'callin' card oan th' rug ' Cool

Oh an Doc, aboot yer computer plug(s).......... Wink

Blackadder

Babygael, I have never seen you before in my life and I have never examined you. You are obviously suffering from dementia and I recommend you bugger off to a wee hovel in the highlands on your own and you never bother civilised people ever again. I mean ever. You are beyond saving.

macnumpty

Dear Doctor Blackadder,

I was running a rather successful enterprise until some upstart muscled in on my turf. Should I arrange for some friends of mine to have a nice wee chat with him, or should I just bear in mind how flammable a rival concern can be and help nature take its course?

As ever,

Aunty MacNumpty xxx

Blackadder

Hmmm, a bit outside my expertise, but I would prescribe a couple of six-inch nails through the person's knees into a wooden coffee table, four hours of rough sandpapering and then pour a half a pint of Nitromors down the trousers.

Works a treat!

macnumpty

Excellent! Now, do you have your own sandpaper, or should I bring some with me?

Auntie has a little surprise in store, Doc... Twisted Evil

Blackadder

The sandpaper has been hidden because Baldrick prefers it to your average toilet paper.

You couldn't find my surgery without a 4th generation GPS system, designed by EB of Scotland, which is the only one in existence that can pinpoint the location. It is electromagnetically shielded from the rest. Along with government installations so that if you looking for a "blind-spot", there are several hundred of them because of their sensitivity to outside interference.

Now, about your paranoia problem ...... would you like that discussed here???

macnumpty

Now, BA, who did you think the upstart was? Wink

Blackadder

And there it is .... your paranoia has kicked in again.

I think you'll need a private consultation, McNumpty. Can you afford my fees??

Babygael

Wher' s Nurse mairead ah askit?? Nurse! Nurse! Find me a lawyer, OH! ond ah dinnae mean erm hielander or Aventinian!!! Very Happy

macnumpty

Babygael

macnumps, yer convertin' th' lad!! Very Happy

BA loves pot luck! His normal proclivities not-with-standing! Cool

Even fer 50P Shocked

Blackadder

50p?? What is this 50p you speak of?? Is it a denomination of modern currency?? Dreadfully sorry, but the family Blackadder knows very little about actual day-to-day peasant money.

My fees start at £750 per one hour session, then increases incrementally should more time be required. One rather expects McNumpty would be beggared in a day for my services, with BG in about 2 hours!

Please understand, prospective clients, that I deal with strictly medical matters. Auntie McNumpty deals with your day-to-day silliness. I am not stealing his business. In fact I should think I will be supplying him, since many of you contacting me will in fact be penurious penitents worthy of an alm or two!

Good luck with them McNumpts. One rathers hopes your flooded with them since stupidity is a strong factor of the Celtic genepool.

macnumpty

Ah, now, BA, you should know that I have a trick for such situations... five minutes in to any such session I would turn the matter around and start treating you. You'll find my fee reasonable too. Wink

Incidentally, the current demarcation pleases me. You get the heavy stuff, I get the light, 'Radio 2'-type stuff. This then allows be to become 'The Housewives' Choice', which in turns guarantees me a lifetime supply of free cake, and the knowledge that I need never buy another jumper or scarf again, as I will receive more than enough in the mail.

Granted, I would rather be 'The Househusbands' Choice', as the dividends would be excellent, but I am rather looking forward to the cakes.

macnumpty

Oh, forgot to say, BG... I'm still not totally convinced that conversion is 100% necessary in this case. Wink

Blackadder

Hmmm .... maybe we should consult privately on the Babygael and Mairead case. Personally, I'm all for the vocalectomy on both of them, but Trophywife and Carol seem to shout out for swift action.

Meanwhile, here's my latest batch; give me your thoughts .....

As for Azzuri (poor soul), I concur with what you said in your latest PM. Do you have a stock of straitjackets?? If not, I can send a batch to you post haste! I've secured a place in the Royal Ed for immediate entry.

I'm working on a plan of action for Avatar and suggest a heart transplant is probably the correct diagnosis. Can you get your hands on a Pumpherston housebrick??

SLG needs painkillers. Can you swing by his place with some Tharconoleptaramycin?? Alternately, a good thump with a 20lb mallet is effective for up to 8 hours.

This person, Reluctant Hero, I'm reluctant about at best. I think he needs your help rather than mine. He's painfully shy.

Rinty is doing well since I prescribed the HRT. I quite like the new breasts that are forming.

Morph is a changeable sod!! Do you think mood enhancers such as Amoxyzetyllin, Acetomonacctuseratopenol or Parasycomendacetamin are the right way to go??

I admit Economist is a puzzle. A joint attack with your psychology and my drug of choice, Lexosalmondacilin Paralysica might be good.

Any new patients for me??

mairead

Babygael,
Nursie Mairead is here. I have been spending time studying the Blackadders ramblings and come to the conclusion that he is straight out of the 'cuckoo's nest' I mean talk about the patients taking over the asylum........... Sad, sad sad is it not?
His recent Lobotomy appears to have been somewhat unsuccessful.
I think perhaps his dioxyribonucleaicacid (DNA) was seriously contaminated sometime during the Adder family's evolutionary process. (With what I can't even hazzard a guess, have you any suggestions?)

Blackadder

Pseudonurse Mairead,

For your further edification

Blackadder's (apostrophe "s" when you use the possessive form)

Deoxyribonucleic acid (Can you spot where you went wrong?)

Hazard (Only the Dukes were ever a Hazzard!)

Further, cuckoos are notoriously well-known for NOT building their own nests, and using other birds' to deposit their eggs.

Ten demerits for posing as a nurse in MY surgery!

Nurse Ratched will make an appointment for you and we'll see about doing something for your Munchausen's Syndrome by Proxy. And please don't stop taking the tablets. Take 2 and call me if you're still not right in the morning!

Stay Beautiful, chief!!

Economist

mairead

What do you mean Nurse Rachet will make an appontment for me. I AM Nurse Rachet you muppet.
Yes, the spelling errors, well it's just that my fingers move so quickly on the keyboard (which is knackered anyway) I sometimes omit or double letters. I have asked my lord and master for a new one, but he seems to be as stingy as the Blackadders, so you will just have to put up with the errors. Very Happy

macnumpty

Tyops are easi;y corrrectrd b yproof-reding you're posts. Laughing

trophywife

eye kan onli spill propirlie when im drunk...........ani1 want to john me

Babygael

Wifey, ahm sorry lass, ach, ah hud gaun an' supped all yer wine in yer cellar! OoopseeDaisy!!!

Hoo'ever, mairead sorted oot' th' Berlin wall dude wi' her claymore. Very Happy

Ach it wis worse fer th' union sympathisers!, Razz

,,,,,,,,,,,,Especially th' hanoverian wans..., Cool

Blackadder

Right!!! You lot can just KEEP OUT of my surgery waiting-room if your going to behave like this!!!!!

I'll have proper sedate and good behaviour in this surgery .... or I'll put you all on laxatives for a MONTH!

Especially "Nurse" Mairead!!

Economist, I'm putting you on a strict regime for SIX months of self-loading suppositories with 50 mg of Ribosorpan Dacluteculatsaminoid to ease the sores. STOP EATING THE SCABS! Or I'll have your mouth wired shut too!

macnumpty

While BA throws us all out of the surgery, why not try one of Aunty MacNumpty's advice lines?

Apostrophe misuse support...09099 499 001
How to bag your man...09099 499002
Problems 'down there'...09099 499003
Oedipus complexes...09099 499004
The secret of a good bacon sandwich...09099 499005
Why has a limb fallen off?...09099 499006

Calls cost £10 for the first 3 minutes and then £2.50 for every minute or part minute thereafter. Very Happy

DISCLAIMER: I've made that up. If you dial those numbers I have no idea what will happen. You have been warned!!!!

Blackadder

McNumpty fails to tell you that for the princely sum of only £15, he will happily accede to demands for onsite sexual favours. He is cheap and easily bought.

I, on the other hand, am not. I will charge you a very great deal in case I lose my licence .... and even then, I'm only pimping for Babygael and Mairead, whose voracious sexual appetites are legendary among the Sarawak of Borneo!

For further advice, please go to www.mcnumptyblowjobs@hotmail.com

Thank you. Now please vacate the premises before I set the dogs on you. Aventinian, heel boy!!!

Disclaimer: Babygael and Mairead not all they appear to be.

macnumpty

Can I just point out that if any of that were true, fees would vary depending on the customer and what was being asked of me? Laughing

mairead

Aint he just so sweet this doctor Blackadder. I think we should charge him for going into his surgery.
By the way, Babygael and I are way beyond the financial means of most of you plebs, including you Lord Edmund, darling.

trophywife

Well at least he's got a surgery..........not like some of these dentist guys that take you to the cleaners.

I meant i didn't even want my shirts starched but no no, off they go....

Babygael

Nice wan wifey! They'll tak yer shirt an all!

BlackAdder, the sarawak o' Borneo? Laughing

The Ranee (sp) o' sarawak is more like it Razz

Mind yew,Aventinian would make a tasty treat,snarl, slaver,slaver Wot d'ye say mairead? Wink

Fortunately fer th' lad, macnumps has left a number fer those wot lost a limb/body parts.

macnumps ah dae hev a voracious appetite fer bacon Butties,so ah'll be callin' fer some advice, 'cause th' service over at Doctor BlackAdder's surgery is awfy cheap! Oven gloves an' ah periscope dinae dae fer me!

trophywife

I like those oven gloves that are joined together...........like the mittens you used to get in your anorak at primar school................or like in the institution Shocked

Blackadder

Some of the conversations going on in my waiting room are simply priceless. You have to look in a lot more, McNumpty. Come in and see me about your latest project, but spend a lot of time listening to the witterings of BG, TW and Mairead, who has this strange obsession thinking she's my nurse. (Are you giving her Psychotropin for that?)

Holebender, you didn't keep your last appointment or settle up your bill from your last visit. If you don't make an effort, you'll never recover from that STD. See me soon.

Agentmancuso, that skin condition has now been identified as sebboreic keratosis and you will need a gallon-size bottle of Eumovate. Since you are on benefits, I'll provide you with a free prescription.

Jimbo, wishing it will go away won't make it happen. I have to treat you. Don't worry, warts are easily fixed these days. No need to visit the Old Hag by the waterfall for the crushed frog ointment. Psilosydrapoxide does the job perfectly well.

If you come in here again without registering, FALSYDE, I shall call my security attack dogs on you and Baldrick will send what's left of you to Babygael's pig-farm. Register now, or suppurate with those boils on your bum on your own. My Rexidysochlorate treatments would sort you out in no time if you go through proper channels.

And as for you wisnaeme, we all know it was! Stealing drugs from my supply cabinet is an offence. So you can imagine how I feel about you raiding my sweetie jar! They're for the kids!! And at 63 you are NOT a child. If you persist in wearing the Peter Pan get-up, you must go and see Auntie McNumpty. It's more his field!

I treat everyone fairly and with discretion.

mairead

and if you want to now Dr Blackadders qualifications, he is registered with the 'Institute of Destitute Prostitutes' and has a Diploma for services rendered.

Babygael

Aye Wifey, they liked tae keep th' mittens together at th' institution an' insisted we hud tae wear them at all times,said it help to prevent the light fixtures an' fittin's ond other stuff from being nicked.

DR.BlackAdders surgery hasnae ony fittings,he's tae cheap tae fork oot fer some an' so it can get very dark in there.
Th' 'guid' dochter fumbles aroond like blind Pugh, an' th' oven mitts maks it hard tae tak yer pulse.Many a patient has been declared deid that wisnae,wan or twa o' his patients hev goat a real scare ah can tell yer!

Lawks a mercy mairead Shocked

Rendering at the I.D.P? Weel pair lad,wot can yer expect? It made headlines in th''Daily Injection"," Desperate dude gains a-gnat-o'-me ond fizz-e-ology Diploma at dozy Daisy's doss hoouse " Laughing

Wisnaeme looks HOT in his Peter Pan ootfit..Holebender is simply stunning in his tinker Bell cozzie, while Agentmancuso thinks he's a st.Bernard.
So there BlackAdder

By the way BA Hoo's YER' pigs daen?

trophywife

but I'm still waiting for him to fix my piles. It's drafty here with my trousers round my ankles and the postie just about had a fit when he looked in the windae.

I'm mean I ken it's a waiting room, but how lang do I hiv tae wait??? Is this the NHS or what?

mairead · The Doctor is in

LOL Trophywife, but lord help you. This doctor will probably reommend something like castor oil. I think you should pull your drawers up meantime. By the way, did you have to give the postie the kiss of life/

?

trophywife

No no, the postie just slotted his letters in the crack on the door and all was well.

I got fed up waiting for the doctor so I nipped doon to the local vet and saw him instead. A handsome young man is the local veterinarian. I could well turn into a veggie lover just for him I'll tell you.

But I'll be back to the doctor for long cos I've got a bit of a scabby toe that needs looking at.

Babygael

mairead

Well there isn't much difference between our good doctor Blackadder and the vet is there?.
I know someone who went to Doctor Blackadder complaining about a boil on the end of his, well, that would be too much information and he treated him for an ingrown toenail and by the size of his clippers I think he got them on loan from the vet, That would be doctor Whiteadder of course, a relative I do believe.

Blackadder

Well, nice as it's been (he said with a jolly laugh), I'm afraid my tenure as the Chief Medical Officer of these premises will have to curtailed as of now.

I'm going back to the States to join a top medical practice in San Francisco as the resident diagnostician. The salary is into six figures, the weather is better and ...... frankly, it won't be the likes of you lot I'm working with. Sounds very good.

I'm sending all your files to my good friend, Dr Dementor, who will be your new physician.

I'd say good luck to you all, but ..... I really don't give a damn about you peasants! Toodle-pip!!! Very Happy

mairead

Aw Diddums.........The Doctor's flipped.

trophywife

What? Is he making pancakes?

Blueberry jam is my favorite.

mairead

With him, nothing would surprise me. I just wonder with 'what' he would be making them. The mind boggles.

trophywife

I've got an auld griddle of my grannies that he could use Confused

Is that what you meant Mairead?

Babygael

I like strawberry masel' oan ma crapes Laughing

mairead

Not if doctor Blackadder makes them you won't?

trophywife

are his crepes crap?

Blackadder

The Doctor is GONE??? Why are you all still in his surgery?? There's no-one here to look at your medical problems. Apparently Dr Dementor couldn'ty get a licence to practise in this country. You'll all just have to go to Auntie McNumpty now! (that'll make the auld git happy!)

trophywife

Dr, please, I've got this infection a-tween my toes...........looks like lumpy cheese........can you help?

macnumpty

mairead

APPARENTLY HE MISTOOK BG'S OFFER OF HER GRANNY'S 'GRIDDLE' FOR HER GRANNY'S 'GIRDLE' AND TRIED MAKING PANCAKES ON THAT. That's why he's gone. Skeart of being sued by us.

Blackadder

You're all hopeless cases you know. Except Trophywife. But we spotted her right away. I'm passing her name on to the authorities.

I bet you all never knew that she's really Emily Cartwright of Lower Warminster, wanted for extreme fraud in Nigeria, Luxembourg, Guyana AND Malta.

She's going to prison for a very long time.

mairead

Aha, so you didn't depart then my good fellow.......

trophywife

Blackadder

Extremely badly, one hopes!!!

Word from Dr Blackadder, my erstwhile cousin, is that he's sold everyone's medical files to an American drugs company and that you are all now legally their guinea pigs for drug trials. Letters should should coming through the letterboxes of your hovels very soon.

Lots of luck!

Babygael

Weel ah can honestly say ah huv niver seen wifey( alias Emilly Cartwright Laughing

!!) in Guyana ond ah'v been there twice .....so far,oh ond Luxembourg, nearly forgot that wan!

But mairead an' BA ah'v seen travellin' back an' forth oan M's broom stick mony a time Cool

jimtrot

Babygael

Are yew BA? Laughing

trophywife

I need a Doctor's line to sign me off for the next 9 days while I escape to the Motherland. Can you help?

Babygael

take care wifey! Very Happy

And lets hope th'\' Doc can help! Laughing

Blackadder

The Doctor has definitlely left. His last words were "They're worse than a pack of rabid dogs with ricketts. Sod them, I'm off!"

Please take your troubles to the sexually confused, but more than able McNumpty. THAT door is ALWAYS open!!!