Blackadder
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Things you say to the doctor ...Had the old quack around to check up on me this morning. He said (quite nonchalantly), "How's your sex-life?"
I replied, "I'm sick ... not dead!"
Good one, eh? 
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mairead
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What! Sick of your sex life? 
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Blackadder
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And can you tell us exactly where ... or when ... you lost your sense of humour???
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mairead
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Lost it. Not me, I hope I can keep hold of that till I fall off my perch. A sense of humour is most important to me. When I can no longer have a laugh, I'll happily go to the big wherever.
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Blackadder
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Make arrangements ...... soon .... cos you've definitely lost it, Mairead. See your doctor and ask if it's the meds. Could be for all you know!
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macnumpty
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Something to say to the Doctor? That's easy:
EX-TER-MI-NATE!!!!!!!!
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Blackadder
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Yes ... but you have to give the doctor's initial question to you ... your response ... and his reply to that ... which is redundant in this case Macnumpty, since all your doc would be saying is "AAAAAARRGGHH!!"
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macnumpty
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True, but then he would regenerate into a different actor, and who knows what would happen?
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Blackadder
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Errr .... call me daft if you like, but ... I don't think that process happens with every doctor .... and certainly not the medical ones .... well, not like the ones this thread was meant discuss.
You are quite the headcase, aren't you, Macnumpters???
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macnumpty
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Well, I wish to subvert the thread. So there! 
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mairead
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Call you daft Blackadder! certainly. Anything to oblige. You are plain daft. Howzzat
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Blackadder
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You may call me it, but I don't have to take notice of the witless fools who take up the call without thinking things through.
Now subversion I understand. You carry on subverting, Macnumpty. Your details are now with my friends in MI6.
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macnumpty
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My details are no use to MI6... I'm an internal threat so it's MI5 you want.
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Blackadder
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Yes I thought so too .... but it seems you've been referred to MI6. Do you have any foreign cousins in Germany, or Russia, Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan or worse ... the USA???
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macnumpty
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Well, I've got some family in Birmingham but it's the one over here, so that doesn't count.
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Blackadder
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That's what YOU think!!! They're marginally worse there than in Alabama! Have you met any Brummies???
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macnumpty
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Actually, I can go with that... the part of my family from round there are the ones with the craziest stories when we all meet up.
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Blackadder
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I have relatives in in the Manchester area (no, not any of the USA ones)! They're all fairly suspect as well. They must've imported faulty genes into the family at some point.
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macnumpty
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Manchester... hmmm... a friend of mine hails from Manchester, and I need a phrasebook or interpreter to communicate with her. As she would say, "It pecks me ****in 'ead!"
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Blackadder
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You think they're bad?? Try talking with a couple Nookies. About as intelligible as Linear Script B.
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macnumpty
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No, Lancastrian mining towns are definitely the worst. "Eeee, ooartanwaswant? Thafavvers nowtasawap! Clodimintcut!"
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Blackadder
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Close ... but you have to go to Glasgow for really bad speakers. They all have mouths like Wendy Alexander!!!
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macnumpty
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Thank you for that mental image, BA. I now have to go off for a spot of projectile vomiting. 
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Blackadder
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Wanna feel worse?? Imaging kissing it!!
Urrgh ...
Now I have to go vomit toooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!
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singforsam
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thats pretty funny
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Blackadder
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No it really isn't, Mr Singforsam. It's actually quite horrible.
I want you to imagine it's you being kissed by her.
Yes ... that's right. Close your eyes and imagine Wendy Alexander is kissing you.
Now she slips in the tongue ....
EEEWWWWWWW!!!
Revolting, isn't it??
Now go away and be sick quietly. I can feel my gorge rising again. Excuse me .........
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macnumpty
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The idea of Wendy Alexander using her tongue for something other than catching flies in her vicinity? Ugh!
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Holebender
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Licking stamps on a letter to Jersey?
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Blackadder
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Why Jersey?? Yes, it's a godawful place ... but it doesn't need an association with The Mooth!!!
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Holebender
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Haven't you heard of a certain illegal donation to her "campaign" and the subsequent thank-you letter to the donor at his home address in... Jersey?
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Blackadder
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Aah, yes I did hear about that. I forgot for the moment the donor had an address there! Thank you for the reminder.
Now, Mr Holebender ... I want YOU to imagine she's doing it to YOU! Does the jersey thing matter with that happening in your mind???
Sick, eh??
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mairead
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No-one has an imagination capable of imagining that BA. Come on now, Can you really imagine it happening to you. EEEEYEUKkkkkkk
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mairead
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Hey Holebender.
Nice to see you on this mad forum. Easier to get on with the folks on this forum than on certain others and a lot more fun too.
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Blackadder
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Who are you kidding, Mairead?? I KNOW Holebender won't get along with me. Why? Because I've no intention of letting him! 
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Holebender
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What makes you think you are in any position to let me do anything?
I shall do what I shall do without let or hindrance as they used to write in the fronts of our passports.
Ha! I just checked, and those words are still there inside the front cover.
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mairead
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Well well Blackadder, you just might have met your match in Holebender, eh what!!!!!
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Blackadder
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I think not, Mairead.
Holebiter ... you really must not read only what you think applies to you as you see it.
The passport you have is not a legal document that allows you free reign to do as you will. It is only a confirmation of safe passage WITHIN THE LAWS OF THE INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY, and allows the security forces to keep track of you. All else written therein, is designed to make you THINK you are safe as a British subject/citizen. Believe me ... it is nothing of the kind.
You are a peasant ...and as such are bound by enforcable laws and strictures to keep you in your place, which has been deemed applicable to you and your ilk. Seek not to raise your head above the parapet of your station in life. Or we'll blow it bloody well off!!!
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Holebender
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Well you'd better take good aim, Bl'adder old chum*, as you will only get one shot before I'm on you and biting your effete head off.
*That's chum, as in shark bait.
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Blackadder
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I know what "chum" is. I have actually seen it in use. In some countries, they do use a peasant or two for that very purpose! After your comment , be ought to be careful you don't end up in the bucket yourself. Gives a whole new meaning to the expression ..."pail-face"!
As for "effete"...I am actually quite the opposite of that! I make Richard Branson look like small fry (to continue the fishing analogy)!
And you will refer to me as Lord Blackadder, until I give you leave to address me otherwise. Which of course, you must earn. And you're not off to bright start are you?? I'll be watching you, Holebiter! 
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mairead
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Blackadder, you just get worse, if that's at all possible.
Still think you might have met your match, after all, you do not know who 'Holebiter' is do you?
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Blackadder
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Madam ... I don't even know who YOU are!! Nor do I wish to! I believe I know no-one on these boards at a personal level ... and indeed would set the wolves on all of you if you dared set one foot past the gatehouse of the estate!
There are none here to match me. I am so far above all of you,I lower myself to even notice you ... for which you should all be extremely grateful, as it gives meaning to your small and insignificant lives!
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mairead
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Must say, BA, I do love that patter. Just spilled another coffee laughing.
However, If, and when I ever deigned to meet you Sir, 'tis you who would be doing the bowing and scraping, not I. Taunt not your betters m'Lud, or you may well pay a sore price. You have been warned, and I do not often give warnings.
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Blackadder
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You had me laughing there! Your delusions are truly staggering, Mairead. What meds do you take? I'd really be interested in finding out!!!
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mairead
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Why would you want to know? In the faint but forlorn hope that you could somewhat improve yourself and perhaps reach the same high standards as myself?.
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Blackadder
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To reach YOUR high standards, I'd have to climb down from the top rung of a three-tier ladder, to the bottom.
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mairead
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Not at all my dear, what you mean is that you would have to Ascend three times higher than that at least.
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Blackadder
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No ... that is only your delusion speaking again. I have no intention of DESCENDING to you or anyone on this board's low level ... ever!!!
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mairead
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I tink you already have descended dear. Perhaps it's your own delusions of grandeur which prevent you noticing these things, in fact I am sure that is the case.
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Blackadder
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TINK?? A typo I'm sure ... but I think you're unconsciously telling us all of your real station in life. Do your lot still mend pots?? I can just picture you sitting on the stoop of a door into your hovel, with a whetstone sharpening knives. And as dishonest as the day is long. If you were in Romania, you'd be classed as a Gypsy!
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Blackadder
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TINK?? A typo I'm sure ... but I think you're unconsciously telling us all of your real station in life. Do your lot still mend pots?? I can just picture you sitting on the stoop of a door into your hovel, with a whetstone sharpening knives. And as dishonest as the day is long. If you were in Romania, you'd be classed as a Gypsy!
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macnumpty
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Did that excite you so much, you had to say it twice?
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Blackadder
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Excited ...no. Enjoyed ...positively YES!!!
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mairead
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See you've been poking your nose in to my family tree Blackadder.
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Blackadder
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Didn't have far to look. It's all there to see, just under the knobbly bark where all the saps in your family exist!
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mairead
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Well my family saps were ever a danger to the Blackadders so you better watch out.
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Blackadder
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Saps! Good word that. Describes most of the posters (except me of course) on this boards to a "T"!
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mairead
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Aha, your delusions are exhibiting themselves again BA.
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Blackadder
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I would pity you ... if I cared ... which I don't! I think taking you out and putting you to sleep would probably be a mercy ... except that that would no doubt cause a few people on the board to extol your "virtues" ... and I wouldn't give them the satisfaction.
But I'm in a quandary ... which would go first ... you or Carol????
Ah ... choices, choices. I'll ponder it over a nice strong coffee!
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mairead
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Aye just you ponder or rather, daydream, over your coffee.
There is about as much chance of you taking me out and putting me to sleep , (although you might bore me to death right enough) as there is of me taking you out and buying you dinner. In fact 'NAE CHANCE'
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Blackadder
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I wouldn't let you take me to dinner. I'm very fussy who I share a table with. And the peasants on this board wouldn't get inside my bodyguard's outer perimeter!
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mairead
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Like they would even WANT to!
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Blackadder
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Oh some have tried. You'll have noticed how quiet this board has been of recent.
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mairead
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Wheee, do you really believe that you are so important that anyone would actually leave a board because of you.?
Oops, I've just spilled my coffee again. I really should not laugh so heartily while I am on the PC.
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Blackadder
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Do you really want to hurt me ... do you really want to make me cry?
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carol
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Yes burn baby burn
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Blackadder
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We skipped the light fandango ... turned cartwheels 'cross the floor
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carol
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Is it name that tune?
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mairead
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Love to see you skip the Fandango BA
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Blackadder
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Fortunately, there are many, many shades of pale.
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mairead
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And that has exactly WHAT to do with you dancing the Fandango???
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Blackadder
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Who said anything about actually DOING the Fandango?? I'm more of a cartwheel person myself, being the fit and muscly-bronzed perfect specimen of manhood that I am!
(and if you believe that, I have a bridge in Brooklyn I'd like to sell you! )
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mairead
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I don't buy bridges anyore. got cheated on the last one, so I guess you are peely wally (love that expression), aged, wrinkled and well past your sell by or use by date. .
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Blackadder
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Naah ... just tired, needing another holiday already and getting a chick or three to service me. Think I'll go to Goa for a few weeks.
That'll please Carol ... she wants me to Goa way!!!
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mairead
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Take it you have loadsa lolly then. That's the only attraction chicks have for the older man dear
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carol
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BA your jokes are getting worse, must be that bad if I'm laughing at them!
Boa to Goa you constructor!  the snake that you are BA
Margaret a slimey toad would be better looking
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Blackadder
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Margaret's a slimy toad??? Who's Margaret?? Carol's insane!
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mairead
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Don't think it was Margaret she was referring to there BA. Just forgot to put in a comma.
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Blackadder
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Carol in a coma?? Now there's a happy thought!
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carol
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 sorry Margaret, yep minus a comma
Well BA you could always give me the kiss of life, moreso if the ugly toad turns into a prince
second toughts yuk don't bother!
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Blackadder
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I'm with the toad on this question! Warts and all!
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carol
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toads and frogs scare me.
had a few instances with frogs, I was mortified at the time but it's funny when you reflect back. I remember in my younger days a crowd of us females from work deciding to take up jogging to keep fit (then ending up in a pub) regardless it must've been a really hot summer, when approaching a village we were innundated with frogs crossing our path and literally had to dodge them rather than squash them. Another time I was passenger in a mini (a car not a skirt ) when driving along the hills through Sheriffmuir, it was thud thud thud running over them.
a toad or not you'd probably scare me anyway
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Blackadder
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Scaring you would be a perk ... But I'm not all that interested. I'm sure you have plenty of other toads keeping you company!
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Blackadder
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I've just been informed the seemingly now-resident amphibian in the piano room is a TOAD.
However ...
Generally speaking, though, when we think of frogs, we generally picture what are called "True Frogs".... members of the family Ranidae, containing more than 400 species. These frogs have the characteristics of:
two bulging eyes
strong, long, webbed hind feet that are adapted for leaping and swimming
smooth or slimy skin (generally, frogs tend to like moister environments)
Frogs tend to lay eggs in clusters.
Frogs from this family can be found on every continent except Antarctica. They are referred to as the "true frogs" because of their generalized body form and life history: the so-called generic frog. Members of this family include the bullfrog, common frog, green frog, leopard frog, marsh frog, pickerel frog, and wood frog.
The term toads tends to refer to "True Toads".... members of the family Bufonidae, containing more than 300 species. These types of frogs have are characterized by:
stubby bodies with short hind legs (for walking instead of hopping)
warty and dry skin (usually preferring dryer climates)
paratoid (or poison) glands behind the eyes
The chest cartilage of toads is different also.
Toads tend to lay eggs in long chains. (There are some toads (genera Nectophrynoides), however, that are the only types of anurans to bear live young!)
True Toads can be found worldwide except in Australasia, polar regions, Madagascar, and Polynesia, though Bufo marinus has been artificially introduced into Australia and some South Pacific islands. Besides Bufo, the family includes 25 genera, all of which, like the frogs, are anura!
The physical distinctions, however, can easily get blurred because sometimes the features appear mixed or less obvious, and certain species even legitimately fall into both categories. It is not uncommon, for example, to find a warty skinned frog that isn't a toad, or even a slimy toad! Even the more invisible stuff like cartilage structure has been found to sometimes fit both categories!
Don't say you never learn from Lord Edmund's vast array of knowledge!
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mairead
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Oh you certainly are an educator Blackadder. Another piece of insignificant information to clutter up our brains.
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Blackadder
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Coming from you ... the Trog ... I'll take that as a sincere compliment!
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